Scared of the Day Scared of the Night

Memories - Moments

Joining into a new college I had high anxieties. Anxiety was not of how I will fair in studies after all these years of rest to that side of the brain or even of how a bit younger generation will accept me. But strangely and stupidly of loosing out of memories, past moments. The beautiful moments I treasure so much and dont want to let go of.

After so many years past school life I have couple of friends, very good friends in contact of. Whenever we meet, we talk of past, 95% of the time I absolutely have no memory of those times. I don't know why but I just cant recollect either a face or a day or even something I did myself. I cant even when they narrate the whole incident. Earlier I used to try hard to reconnect but now I know its just hopeless.

College life... so much much and much of good memories. I had a theory that I lost my school memory coz those slots were occupied by college memories. I feared so much that same will happen again and I didnt want that.

But just two months into the course I realized, things were not actually being lost. Most of the times, am reminded of past coz of something happening in present. Its like having Dejavu. 
Just this week we learnt in Psychology, there could be decay of memory coz of overwriting and with time. My theory was right. May be it will happen eventually, again. I would not remember the College days.
Thus I have come to the conclusion that since anyways things are gonna go, so why fear and let the get the present affected.
And now am having good times and moments to treasure and lose again :D
There were also another theory "more the decay better the memory" :D

Going with the flow

(This post was written by me on July 28,2008. I don't know why I didn't publish it then, left it in the bags of my drafted thoughts. May be I felt it was incomplete then, somehow today I feel it is.)

I had a senior in college whom most of us worshiped for her achievements and personality. But attimes we found her in certain situations, ideally she should not be in. Later getting close to her, I asked her about the same. She said she was just going with the flow. At that time the whole thing was so confusing. What and where was the flow?
Today I somehow understand her. I dont know if what I feel now is what she did then. But I too am just going with the flow.
There are certain things you know you should react to, things you have the capabilities to do. But you DONT.
Writing this I am reminded of Gandhiji's 'teen bandars'.

These three hansome men are self explaining

Let me put forth some of the situations, I chose to go with the flow. These might be gender biased. I would just gathers the recent selections. I don't want to bore you with my 'आत्मकथा'.
Personally, getting married is no where in my agenda of the instant future. Socially I am ripen with required qualifications. So, I participate in the discussions going around me.
Yesterday surprisingly for the first time I saw the sign board of 'SPITTING AND SMOKING PROHIBITED' in the BEST bus I travel everyday. Today I saw a person spitting from his seat, beautifully leaving behind some spit particles, to enjoy swinging in the cool rainy breeze. It was so disgusting to see and against the rule. But I saw the same scene thrice before I got down.

Listing all of them wont emphasis much on anything. Social or personal, I know it is no one's fault. I would like to add, may be to console myself, 'neither is it mine'. But,
the truth is there is a flow and I am flowing with it.

Shiny Shoes

Sometimes I find myself doing nothing than staring at those shiny, sparkling shoes walking around and passing by. 

One has so so many dreams. For everyone a truck load of them are left unfulfilled. After a point of time one is left with no choice than to come in terms that they are not meant to be. 

I have come to a conclusion that "these" dreams, day dreams are not vague simulations in the brain, they have to be some calculations in the book of God. There's a balance for the simplest to the most complex.

I am trying to restrict my diet and like never before the whole of Mumbai seems to be hogging on vada pav, wherever I turn my head. I try not to compromise. I have no option than to be satisfied with the saliva in my mouth that seems to taste like the last vada pav I ate. Once, not long back, I ate all the vada pav available around me, which still has voluminous mark on me. Now I don't, but everyone else does, so there goes the balance. All am left with are the dreams that fly in periodically with vada pav in their hands.

I always wanted to get settled somewhere, quieter, peaceful and green. The last place in mind was Mumbai, which a friend of mine recently described as the city of gutters. On a parallel situation, a dear friend wanted a life other way round. She loved the loudness and the speed of this city. Married within a gap of a month, whenever we meet, we have to mention the reality that our dreams were exchanged. There goes the balance and another perfect calculation in the blue book existing miles above our head.

A cobbler makes a shoe for no particular, single person. He takes in some variables and creates the best possible one and delivers it to the world. Its not of importance to him which legs fit in.
I wish God realizes the high demand for the shiny ones and creates in whole sale. AMEN!

Answer Sheets

I have been travelling in the Mumbai Local trains for some days now. Every day there is something that happens when I think that “OK” I shall go home today and write this one in the blog. But have not been urged to that extent to have memory of that till I get back home. Finally today…. A School teacher has initiated me.

Same train, same time to the same place. 

I notice one of the school girls is staring at something behind in the seats for quite sometime now. Not bothered to peep myself as I find it embarrassing.  It’s a rare trait to find in the Ladies Compartment travelers probably coz am new. Still getting used to the environment. It’s a whole other world with whole other set of rules, more on that later.

Finally! I got a seat! Oh! This is what the girl and everyone around is staring at. A school teacher is correcting answer sheets. And she is doing it at supersonic speed. Page turns √ √ √ and ∞ ∞. Next Page, big slash in the large vacant area. Now Marks, 2-2-1-0-0. Tuck tuck tuck. The red ink flows. How could she be so fast? I guess teachers are so used to doing it that they know by shape of the sentence whether it contains correct words or not. Experience makes man perfect!

(Wondering what that ∞ symbol is? It is supposed to be the shape indicating wrong, she was putting every now and then.)

Thoughts start wandering: How would my teachers have corrected my papers. I do remember writing one paper, where she wouldn’t have had to do much hardwork, look at many shapes. Two lines and big slashes in the rest :D

Next Station, another enthusiastic girl boards in. She is literally drooping over the teacher to see the action going on. Couple of minutes behind I see her biting her nails. 

The final station is approaching, the slowing train has somehow triggered teacher’s speed to super supersonic. The fate of the student is now being witnessed undistractedly by all the commuter of 5:33 Thane from Kanjur.  

Everybody stars, including me this time. 

NB: Sadly couldnt find a single image of answer sheet on Google

The GREATs

Recently I saw movie 'Invictus', as often happens, the story, the characters in it has inspired me towards pouring out these cluster of words. The movie is about Nelson Mandela and the 1995 Rugby World Championship. Its my habit to go on to Google if something touches my heart, search and read all about it. So I did the same with the keyword 'Nelson Mandela'. And I am left wondering ....
How do some people turn out to be GREAT. What are they made of. What was different in  Mandela. There are so many in his league. Gandhiji, Mother Teresa, etc etc. These people were not intellectually genius as Stephen Hawking or Bill Gates. Nor as rich as the kings of countries or healthier as Mike Tyson or even Dhara Singh then what was it! After mints of wondering I realise ...
It has to be their guts, dedication towards supporting a cause and the way they do it.
Obviously I could not have stopped there, had to support my finding with examples. I connect this theory to lives of other greats.
Remember Lady Diana,she was just another married to a Prince women like so many still alive. All of them are supposed to do charity and stuffs but why was she everyones favourite and I guess still remains to be. It was the grace and beauty on her face while she did it. The extra leap she took. Take Mother Teresa what was the need to come all the way to poor India set up a missionary. 
I have to mention this one example which flew into my brain.
Raj Thackeray, not one of the GREATS great but still he is going to be in the minds of people for times to come. That is a greatness in itself. The cause he supports and the way he does it ;) 
The thought story doesnt end here. Why am I not GREAT. wondering wondering and wondering.... Three days later... no answer found yet :D Maybe that 'not GREAT' is not true. May be I am GREAT :D
I think everyone is great in ones own sense. World wont be the same without me or even without any singles person less from you.