“I thought he knew . . . “

We had a love marriage, one from the college times. It took him one month to realize he loved me and a short one year for me to realize the same.

Short . . . I think from the day he realized, early mornings on my way to the college I would find him leaning on his bike, wearing those big black Ray-ban sunglasses with the golden frame, few blocks away from my house. The Sun rising behind, I could see his smiling face from meters apart. He would straighten his collar, have a final look in the farview mirror. At times there were some gifts offered, roses and cards. Once he even bought a Yardley perfume which he told me his uncle had bought from Dubai, just for him. I used to reject them proudly for about a month or two but then started accepting them shyly. Afterwards every day I would wait for the next day, then the next day to have a glimpse of him. That year, it just flew by, we had a whole year behind us.

During that year or even after that, there weren’t any duets sung but he did convince his and later my parents for our marriage. Though I had seen him everyday for last one year, seeing him in that mandap in front of all those people, I had all the doubts any bride would have and the few extra ones for ours being a love marriage.

He got a job in the metropolitan. We shifted into a BHK flat. It was hard for me to get used to this ever live city, tougher was the life, costlier the lifestyles and stranger were the neighbors. There were few bonus points too. It was like a honeymoon everyday, every night our first night. In the night lying on the bed he would kiss me, “I love you.” I would say nothing but cuddle tighter around him.

It turned out to be quite boring sitting home whole day idle. Even he had started coming late due to the high deadlines to be met. We decided I should try out some job options. Soon I got a job in a MNC as a company secretary.

( MNC, the word that is in everybody’s mouth. Everybody wants to be there and get it all. You get a job, your pocket starts weighing heavier, life gets faster and relations distant.)

It was getting difficult and tiring. The increasing work hours, the train rush and the daily house chores and adapting to the new lifestyle.

On my way back home he called me. His boss was throwing a party and was probably going to announce the names of new Mangers. He was quite sure he was going to be one and he did. Everyone in the hall kept coming to us, congratulating him and even me. It was a long day. After reaching home, I could think of nothing else than to rest my aching body on the bed.

The next morning he left without kissing 'goodbye'. The clock was ticking fast making me late, couldn’t stop him. Why in these many days, in months, had he forgotten? Was there something wrong?

Some days things were like that. Previous night we would have something very special and the next day he would react as if something was done wrong.

It was his birthday. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to make him feel as someone special, the same way, as he had made me when we were in college. I arranged a surprise party, called all his friends. That night he was very happy, jubilantly speaking to all our friends. We were having a great night. Unexpectedly he stopped to ask, ‘Why haven’t you wished me till now?’ I smiled and hugged him tightly. After few seconds he just stopped and went out to smoke. He had never done that! I kept looking at him and didn’t even know when fell asleep.

He had stopped the rituals of morning goodbyes and “I love you” in the nights. I never thought it as something being wrong. For me it was just another side of both of us working, having tiring days and growth of our relationship.

But it started taking different turns. He would get angry on some silly things. And would avoid me for a whole day, which later got extended to days. That was when I felt, there has to be something wrong, somewhere. I asked him was it my job, did he want me to quit, on that he reacted egoistically. I was on a point where I didn’t know what was wrong and what should I be doing to correct it?

It just kept heating up. It was like seeing him from meters apart on those mornings, leaning on his bike but this time I couldn’t see him smiling and couldn’t see the bright sun shining behind him. It was dark. It was almost two weeks, actually twelve days and thirteen nights. We hadn’t spoken. Every morning I would try to make an attempt. Let him get up, let him finish his bath, let him come for breakfast, let him get dressed and then he would leave, just like that, not even once looking at me. I would be left staring at the doorway until tears would roll down to touch my lips giving me the sour taste of life.

Yesterday night I found him packing all his stuff. I stood there by the door not knowing what was happening, feeling the thorn pierce into my heart. Something deep inside was telling me ‘if you have to speak, you should now or else this is it.’

“What is wrong? Why are you . . .?” I couldn’t stop them they just came rolling out, this time going past my lips, my heart. “I tried but now I can’t. I can’t stay here anymore, I can’t stay with you.” It felt like I was falling off from a high mountain cliff. I could feel that pain in my bones. “What are … what? “. “We should not have done this. Our marriage has been a failure right from the start. I should not have spoken of our marriage. I should not have got into this.” He moved to take few things from our shelf. “When I asked for our marriage, I thought you loved me.” “I did, I . . . I do”. He threw the things into the bag and shut it loud. “No you don’t, you don’t. You didn’t when I proposed you. You didn’t when I kissed you. You never ever replied for all the times I said ‘I love you’. You were never happy for my success. You didn’t even congratulate me when I was promoted, the whole world did. You did things only to show off. You arranged parties so that everyone would know. But you yourself never had enough love to wish me. You never loved me. You . . .”

Today morning he left. I stood there watching the person who is everything to me walk away, showing his back to me. He didn’t say anything. I couldn’t . . . I never could, I loved him  then and I love him now. I thought he knew. I always did . . .

'Love marriages can be compared to those torn pockets, with a tiny hole. The risk of loosing things is more. And if you do loose then it’s your fault. You decided to wear them.' - The thought behind increasing divorces.

For all those who feel silence speaks . . . Get real !
You dont loose anything if few words fall out of your mouth expressing your emotions.
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Its been a pleasure while writing this one and even more after completion. Going with my usual habit of letting all the friends know about the update in the blog, I started getting the replies. And I am truly overwhelmed and thankful to all of them for each of their comment and appreciation. Yesterday I shared the blog with my greatest critic, my dear friend Kavya. She has been very true with her criticism for all my creations. And this time she said she liked it. But there had to be something. We had a great discussion justifying each other's thoughts. I felt, that itself was a good piece to share along. So here's me and Kavya talking for all of you:

" Kavya: dont agree with ur analogy tht love marriages are like torn pockets tht will be like sayin an arranged marriage is like a closed pocket in short marriages are like pockets

seeja: huh that was just a figure of speech
I just wanted to show the chances and infact you can say that. Dont you think so Marriages are like pockets If you want I could explain

Kavya: go ahead

seeja: Well as everything in life here I present to you Coins two side
Well by pockets I would say as a writer of Indian origin I see the closeness marriage brings to ones life And at the same time I see the comfort pleasure and security. So there is this unsaid freedom in love marriages and at the same time a known insecurity. Thats why!

Kavya: well then can I understand, wat u meant was tht indian marriages are like pockets

seeja: I could have compared it to anything evn a hat but then I wanted to portray the compassion and comfort thru the selection of word.
hey now you are just pullin my leg "

Rather than only showcasing my talent on this blog I prefer sharing some small tiny little positive thoughts that come across in my life. Its of immense pleasure to me when my friends tell me that my writing was an eye-opener to them about that particular thing.
Thank you dear ones. It is impossible without you guys boosting me.